Okay, so a lot of my old posts sound like I'm a horrible person...not in love with my husband??? Oh, the horror! Or did that make me the whore? Oh, no, because I wasn't the one cheating! Ha ha! Since then I've learned that the girlfriend from the summer of '01 was named Crystal, I've learned that Dan knew her BEFORE Ted met Mitzi, I've learned that it was Dan that wanted to go out on the bikes trolling for girls all the time instead of Ted (although I'm sure Dan didn't have to twist Ted's arm much). I'm assuming there were other girls. Who knows and I don't want to know. I've heard from 2 people now that Ted was pissed at Dan all this time because Dan blamed everything that happened on him, and that he's always wanted to tell me that it wasn't his fault (and do I really care who was at fault when they both knew right from wrong...not really!) and that Ted would like to tell me what really happened. I haven't heard any of that from Ted but I'm guessing from the 2 people that told me that it's true. Doesn't make a difference anymore. I've bought a house and moved the kids and I out. Dan is moving his girlfriend and her son into our old house. I do wish I knew when exactly he moved in with her because I found out shortly after he moved out of the house that he was living with her...I'm assuming she was someone he knew before we split up. Oh well, that's neither here nor there. Let's see, I *thought* I briefly dated a guy at work after Dan moved out and we were working through the separation but turns out I was just a "friend with benefits". Man, do I HATE that term!!! Unless I know that's what I am and I decide that's okay then it's not okay to be treated that way! I don't like that whole "friends with benefits" thing. Sounds like there's no strings attached but there are! So anyways, we went back to being just friends once I realized I was really that stupid to think there was more, and now we just don't speak at all which is equally okay as well. LOL Then I met the great guy I'm dating now and can't wait to see where that goes!!!

Edited to add: No, I didn't turn into a horrible mis-trusting stalker girlfriend either! ;-)

What if I can't trust anymore? What if I impose my mistrust of intimacy on the next person? I mean, from what I hear I had a reason to mistrust Dan. And I did mistrust him but I needed him more than I didn't trust him so I believed my own little truth. The real truth would've hurt hurt too much at the time.

If someone tells me they want to be with me, how do I know they really do? How do I know it's not just for sex? If someone says they love me, should I believe them? The first time Dan told me he loved me he had already stood me up for the evening and then I saw him cruise through town with his supposedly ex-girlfriend in his car and the man had the audacity to wave! That takes some serious balls, ya gotta give him that. I was pissed. I went home and he showed up. I tried to ignore him but what the heck was it that ultimately made me let him in? I even saw a hotel receipt from a night he spent with her, which he subsequently denied of course (yes, he got her a room but he didn't stay. huh???), and I still held onto him. Did I find myself that unworthy of someone more worthy?

So when someone new doesn't call or doesn't text am I going to wonder who they're with or what they're doing? I don't like insecure people so why on earth am I becoming one? It scares me to turn into something I loathe. I don't want to be the girlfriend who stalks her boyfriend to see what he's doing or who he's with. I have better things to do with my time! Say nothing about the stress that can cause I'm sure. I've never been a stalker but I'm sure there's a lot of anxiety there. And what if I see him talking to another girl? Am I going to automatically assume that he's cheating? This is SO NOT me! But now that I've become this person can I go back to the person I was? Or am I going to be psyco-girlfriend???

All these years...

you let me think I was the only one
you let me bear your children
   ...one daughter, 2 sons
you questioned everything I did
you questioned every move I made
you questioned every friend I had
you never wanted to be social and hang out with anyone
   ...no, you never wanted US to hang out with anyone...but you did hang out with your friends
you needed to know where I'd been
you came and went as you pleased & I never "needed" to know where you were or what you were doing
your money was yours and my money was ours
you pretended to be the model husband
you snuck around
you hid money
you never shared
you treated me like a common whore
all these years and YOU were the one cheating

I think the truth is that I just don't care anymore. Dan has been talking about trading his street bike for a Mustang and since I've been told that I'm not allowed to say anything about what he buys/sells/trades anymore, I just kept my mouth shut. He even asked me if I thought it was a good deal, I told him simply that I don't have an opinion because he's told me that I'm not allowed. Monday night he drove off on the bike and drove home in the Mustang. I thought hey, as long as it's even-up and no payments I really don't mind. Then I find out that he traded his 4-wheeler (that he HAD to have back and we had to use money from the sale of the garage to buy!!!) along with the bike for the Mustang. And it's not really even so much that he did it...it's that he #1 didn't tell me he was and #2 still hasn't said a word about it. I had to find out from his mom!!! Why is it a secret from me? I mean, I have no say in the matter anyways, right? I don't like being lied to. And I want to be pissed about it, I mean really pissed because that would at least mean I cared right? But I guess I don't even care enough to get really pissed at him for lying to me. How sad is that? It's like I'm numb! And it sucks to be numb in your marriage.

Why oh why does my husband find it necessary to hoard money and be so secretive about it??? So very frustrating! He's been out of town and comes home tonight and I don't even look forward to seeing him. That is so very wrong, I know. I keep finding money stashed in his dresser and yes, I know I shouldn't be looking...so I can't even mention it to him because obviously I shouldn't know it's there. I guess it'd be like the time I found the condom in his wallet (and we didn't need them, believe me) and did I get an apology from him? And explanation? No, I got yelled at for looking! DUH! The blame lies on me for not saying more about it, but I let it go. I'm just tired.

Although it's going to piss me off.

So I'm pregnant during the summer of 2001 and Dan tells me that this new friend of his has a pregnant girlfriend and maybe we should hang out while the guys go riding. Sure, sounds great. I meet her and we realize that we've actually worked together before at a previous job, cool! We're still very very close friends to this day, I love her to death. Then Dan tells me that he feels so bad for this poor guy because he's not in love with his girlfriend but that he's stuck with her because she's pregnant...well, poor baby, learn to keep it in your pants then! Anyways, the guys go riding EVERY night that it's not raining, and I do mean every night, that's not a lie. But I'm a patient girl, also pregnant, so what am I gonna do...leave? Ha! But if I make any remark whatsoever about him being gone all the time he gets pissed so pretty soon I learn to keep it to myself and let him do whatever he wants. Even if it involves letting him out until 3:30 in the morning even though the bars close at 2:00. That wouldn't be bad if I hadn't known what a slime-ball of a friend he had! But I knew his friend cheated on his girlfriend on a regular basis. Then I start hearing that Dan and his friend have met 2 girls, although Dan says he has no idea what I'm talking about. My friend says he was with when her boyfriend met this one girl, and that this girl has a friend for Dan...and the guys go over to visit them. Dan denies it, of course. What choice do I have but to believe him? I have no proof. Then there was the CD full of love songs that his friend Jason supposedly burned for him. I asked where he got it, "oh, Jason made that for me for riding in the Jeep". Cool, till I listen to it. Sappy love songs, country songs...stuff Jason doesn't listen to and I'm sure wouldn't burn onto a CD for a male friend! Now, does he really think I'm that stupid? And again, I don't say anything. Then comes the condom in the wallet that I was told he was just holding for a friend because his friend didn't want to get caught with it. Oh, and what, I was going to be understanding if I found a condom in my hubby's wallet while I was pregnant??? But of course, you guessed it, I kept my mouth shut. He told me that if he was going to be cheating on me, he'd be smarter than to leave a condom where I could find it. Good, that makes me feel better...NOT! Then came the day that my friend went to visit her boyfriend at work, which was also where Dan worked. Her boyfriends' latest slut that Dan has supposedly never met, walked in while my friend and Dan were chatting, waiting for her boyfriend to come out. And get this, Dan says hi to this girl...uses her first name! Must have ESP to have guessed that one, huh? Right! I never even questioned him on that because I knew I'd get some lame ass excuse. And when I wanted Dan to go out and do something with Dana and I he was either too tired or he had to go riding...or even better yet, he was too tired until someone pulled up out front on a bike and then WHAM his energy level just skyrocketed. He told me that I needed to get a life, make some friends, or get a new hobby. He even spent our anniversary with his friend...and couldn't understand why I was upset.

Later during my pregnancy, my baby was diagnosed with HLHS, AVSD, and CoArc. My dwindling little world came to an end. Then Dan was supportive and ultimately Adam's death brought us closer together for a little while. But I will never EVER forget the way I was treated that summer. And I know it's my fault that things are the way they are presently because I learned to just keep my mouth shut because it gets me nowhere with him, other than his ability to make me feel worse.

That being said, I'm glad I got it out. It still irritates me and what really drives me nuts is that he thinks things are perfectly fine...which I know is also my fault.

Okay, so here I am at work, but that's okay, 2 minutes till quittin' time! Gotta write here though so no trail on the home computer. Hehe

Finally some nice weather! Can't wait to get out and enjoy it...maybe tomorrow. Dana's having a friend over this afternoon so they can practice for a concert next Wednesday. I soooooooo wanted to go to Erie but oh well, maybe tomorrow. Going to mom & dad's tomorrow for fried turkey...yum yum! Mom's inviting gramma & gramps, Aunt Bon & Dickie, and of course my brother and Heather. I'm hoping at least gramma & gramps show up...Bon & Dickie probably won't...don't know if Scott will w/o Heather, and she's feeling sick (can't imagine why!). I'm going with or without Dan...I'm not giving up deep fried turkey just because he's feeling anti-social!!!

Soooooo wish I could just talk to him and straight up tell him how I feel. But I know I'll get blasted and I have a lot to lose if he walks away. Not in losing him, but in losing possibly my kids (although I think they'd have to prove me to be unfit and Lord knows I'm fit! LOL) and my cute little house (tho there are other houses and a bigger one would be nice) and who knows what else. I'd feel sad if he left, but it wouldn't ruin my life. It'd be a little bit of a relief actually, although I'd never tell him that!!! Someday I'll grow a pair of balls and stand up for my feelings! Yeah right! Especially when I KNOW I could be happy elsewhere with someone else......... But that's another topic for another day! I gotta run...time to go home!

I decided to try and talk to hubby about what's bothering me on Tuesday and now he won't speak to me anymore. I told him that I needed more help with the kids around the house, that he basically comes and goes as he pleases and assumes that I'll be there to watch the kids...which I will anyways but it'd be nice if it wasn't always assumed that I had no life while he does what he wants. He informed me that he does about half the housework (huh???) and doesn't come and go as he pleases (again I say huh???). I tried to talk to him but he wanted to fight and I would rather discuss so I was told that I'm so stupid I don't even know how to fight (a third huh goes here). So he sleeps on the couch and doesn't speak to me even when I speak to him or ask a question...and half the time doesn't speak to the kids. This morning he left without saying goodbye to Dana even. And believe me, she noticed! Yesterday he waited till I opened the garage door and then went out the front door to get in his car and leave. Yup, real mature I know. I tried to text his phone and explain what I really needed from him, specifically but I don't think it helped. All he got out of our conversations somehow was that I wanted him to do his own laundry (do I really need to add a huh here). Laundry was never mentioned and the whole idea is lame because I still have to do the kids' and my laundry anyways. Oh well, I tried...he's stubborn...what did I expect. I've also been told that I am never allowed to question a purchase he makes ever again (why bother with another huh).

No, I won't sing, I promise you wouldn't want that. I used to think it was a lame excuse when married people got divorced because they fell outta love. Fell outta love for goodness sake! How ridiculous, right? No. I truly think it's possible and happens more than I think. So the ultimate question is this: Do you stay together because you're married and marriage is forever and there's nothing truly wrong with your partner, or do you go your separate ways and seek happiness? What if one partner is happy and the other is just "there"?

www.sickpuppies.net
Love their music!

We sold the garage because we had bills we needed to pay off and Dan wanted to be home more. Now he's telling me that he found a garage to rent for $100 a month. Lemme just say right now that I'm not footin' that bill. He makes way more than $100 a month at the garage even though sometimes I pay the L&L Auto bill for paint, etc. I guess I seriously thought things were going to change. And he's going to do more riding this summer too. If this is anything like the summer of 2001 where he was out every night, even when he told Dana and I that he was too tired to do anything with us, and didn't come home until 3:00 in the morning and got upset if I asked where he was or gave any indication that I was less than happy.....then I won't be around for another summer. The sad part is that he thinks our relationship is just great but only because he doesn't take me seriously when I'm upset about something....or we talk and then things don't change. We'll see....

Like my mom said this weekend, he's just like my father...either I get used to it or get over it. She said to do something now before I'm unhappy for the next 30 years...I think she was implying that she's been unhappy but I would hate to think that my parents marriage is anything but blissful so I'll live in ignorance :-)